The Science Baby

Okay, maybe not everyone’s relationship with their loved one is in the pan after having a child, but anecdotally and statistically, many parents find themselves facing relationship challenges with a little one in the mix. 

Leila and Kim are no exceptions, and we share a very cathartic chat about how and why our marriages have changed, and what we can do about it. 

What to Expect in This Episode

Every relationship is different, so Kim and Leila compare notes on how they came to wanting, and having children with their partners. Despite having different journeys to motherhood, both of us came to it later in life, after having enjoyed nearly a decade of hedonistic relationship with our partners. This was the solid foundation that has been rocked by the arrival of our little ones.

Next, we compare notes on exactly how our relationships have changed since having kids, pinning some of the changes on the realities of dads having to go back to work, and the invisible mental load.

Stepping outside of our own echo chamber, we take a look at the statistics of relationship change after having children. A decent sized study found that on average relationship satisfaction goes down with time, but it goes down more for people who have had children. If you Google marriage breakups after children, you might be met with a shocking statistic, but we talk about how not all is to be believed, and how studies can become easily biased. Leila reports results from her own survey (Science Baby’s Big Parenting Survey) that reveal a far less alarming rate of relationship decline.

We take some time to examine the reasons behind relationship changes with kids in the mix. Ultimately, these boil down to: a loss of relationship protective behaviours – the sort of everyday stuff we do to keep things on the straight and narrow; the invisible yet crushing mental load and the impossibility of ever truly lightening that load; and the snowballing effect of maternal gatekeeping that puts more pressure on mums while invalidating dads.

A big part of relationship change is underpinned by changes in our own personal identity. The process of matrescence transforms our brains and bodies in an unprecedented way, and the necessary allocation of maternal roles means we can be left feeling like we don’t know who we are any more, which inevitably affects our relationships as well.

Kim gives us a reality check by talking about a study into non-Western, non-wealthy societies that found that marital happiness actually increased with the number of children parents had. This is thought to be down to differences in community structure and social care for the elderly. Once again, Capitalist, isolationist parenting has contributed to our dissatisfaction.

Finally, we talk abotu some of the tools and techniques that work for us in dealing with our relationship issues. We encourage listeners to seek external help if they think it’s needed, but also advocate for formal marital check-ins and goodwill reality checks to try and keep some perspecitve before things blow up.

I’m a big fan of Philippa Perry’s book “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad You Did)”, which you can buy here. 

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